It’s really hard to explain my feelings at this point; today. It’s my own fault really, but I still don’t see why it all has to hit me at once. The pains of failure can really kick you in the butt.
I’m usually a very (VERY) high spirited person. I’ve always been a very easy-going, fun-lovin’, and relaxed type of person. It didn’t matter what came my way. But here lately, I’m not sure how I’m even standing.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Should I even continue doing what I do? Blogging; I love it – I really, really do – I’ve never loved anything more (except for my family of course) but this isn’t helping to pay the bills.
(The oh-woe-is-me part) We have but one vehicle (a crappy truck with no a/c and it’s one that guzzles gas quicker than we can fill it), my medical crap keeps me from getting a “real” job since I can’t stand without losing circulation in my right food) and after what happened to Piper at a day-care years ago I just can’t trust (or see) leaving the girls in the care of another person (or facility) again.
Don’t worry about me. I’m not suicidal or anything like that (could never see putting my kids through that type of pain). And besides, I can’t even touch a gun. I saw my dad point it at my mother far too many times to even consider using it against me – ever. That and I am deathly afraid of “dying.” I want to stick around (even through the harshest of times) for as long as I can before I’m called home.
Okay, so I lied. We have two cars, but let me explain. My mother just gave me her old car, because she bought a new one a year ago, and because I begged her to let me have it. Besides, they had three, for 2 drivers. I’ve had the car since Sunday and now I have to take it back. My sister’s car broke down and needs one. I’m not mad though. I’m the one who begged for it. So now it’s back to not having a car to run and do (oh well, it’s not like I had the money to “run and do” anyways).
Did I mention my internet’s out? Never mind…it’s back on- that’s one problem fixed. J
I’m done. Actually there’s more (tons more) – trust me, I can have you reading my woes all day – but I won’t bore you with the deep stuff. These are just things I have to work through on my own. I’m just going through a real bad “emotional” time right now. I know it will pass soon (lookie-here I still have my optimism) but it’s the waiting game I hate playing most. I’m so ready to see the sun rise, to feel like my old self again; to laugh a whole day through (without reminding myself of all the crap around me). This moodiness I’m feeling now just doesn’t work for me. It’s killing my working mojo. L
Have a great day all and thanks for stopping by.
PS- I’m so sorry you had to read through all this crap but I’m sure glad to know someone is listening. It helps with the “getting better.”
It’s been 5 hours since I wrote this post (while waiting on internet to be turned back on) and – having a lot of time “unplugged” and having time to myself, entirely for thinking – I just wanted to let you know that I’m done…done with complaining anyway. I’m going to clear my head and the next time you see a post on Blogfully it will be “happy” ones. I hope you’ll stick around.
Disclosure: This is a mere post of random venting (which is what you see from time to time when you visit a personal blog). All thoughts, problems, and opinions expressed in this post are solely my own. Thanks for reading. I know you didn’t have to, but you did.